All the signs were there but I ignored them. They couldn’t mean anything, for of course I wasn’t the kind of person who had miscarriages. Miscarriages happened to other people, not me.

Eventually I could no longer ignore the signs. I knew I had to face whatever was happening. But I still could not bring myself to believe our child had died. Andy sat and held my hand while I waited for a doctor to see me in the emergency department of the hospital. I promised Andy I would rest. I would make any sacrifice as long as the bleeding stopped.

Then I had an ultrasound and saw our baby for the first time, and I knew there was no hope. He/she floated lifelessly in the amniotic fluid. I can see that sad image, even today.

And so it became official: I was now one of the 'other people’.  I was someone who’d experienced miscarriage. And life was never the same again. I had lost my innocence. From that moment onwards, pregnancy was no longer a purely happy exciting event. It was tinged with apprehension, and many times it led to sorrow.

Miscarriage can be a hidden suffering. When I was released from hospital and went home to pick up the threads of my life, I didn’t look any different on the outside. Twelve weeks of pregnancy hadn’t changed my shape significantly. No one could tell I’d recently lost our baby. But if they knew how I felt on the inside…

How quickly people forget you have suffered a miscarriage. Maybe they think it mustn’t have been very traumatic because the baby wasn’t very old, hardly a baby perhaps. Maybe next month there will be another pregnancy. One baby is as good as another. Maybe they just forget.

I think about the term ‘miscarriage’. I’ve suffered one neonatal death and seven miscarriages. Shouldn’t that be I lost one baby who died soon after birth and seven babies who died due to miscarriage? The word baby sometimes gets left out. Miscarriage turns solely into a medical condition.

Does leaving out the word ‘baby’ matter? I think it does. So many people have a hard time thinking of unborn babies as actual human beings. So many people think it is quite okay to abort their unwanted children.  If we are to change attitudes, shouldn’t our miscarriages also be described in terms of babies? Miscarriages, like abortions, involve the death of babies.

Maybe we think we shouldn’t talk about our miscarried children. We shouldn’t count them when talking about our family size. We don’t want anyone to think we are wallowing in self-pity, unable to move on. But are miscarried babies worth mentioning? Talking about them reminds us they have dignity and value. They were once alive. They are real people. And although their time here on earth was short - too short for me - their lives were all part of God's perfect plan.

Long life or fleetingly short, visible or invisible, named or unnamed... We are all human beings. We all have value.

I have seven living children. I lost one newborn baby who died a day after his birth. I also lost seven babies who died due to miscarriage.

God blessed me with 15 children. Despite the sorrow, I smile.

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  1. Deo gratias! i give praise for my 11 children - sorrows and all.

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    1. Lena,

      Deo gratias! Yes, we are truly blessed. We can give thanks to God and cry at the same time. Thank you so much for stopping by. May God bless you!

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  2. Oh Sue! You understand!! I feel as though I have found a kindred spirit in you. I've had 2 very well-meaning Christian women tell me that it might make me feel better to know that my pregnancies may have been nothing more than blighted ovums. When they said that my heart dropped because they took away the hope I have that I will someday meet my precious little ones. But then I remembered that God had answered my prayers during my 4th miscarriage to give me physical proof that I carried a baby and my hope in a reunion was restored. I thank God for those babies...they are helping me to become the person God envisions just as much as my three here on earth. God Bless You friend!

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    1. Elizabeth,

      People say such thoughtless things, but I guess they only want to help. The problem is they don't understand at all. That's why it is so good to share with kindred spirits. I always think of grief like passing through a door. No one can come through that door except those that have suffered. Everyone else can stand at the threshold but they can never come in. They will never be able to really understand unless they have a similar experience. It is good to know we are in the same room! Wouldn't it be lonely if we didn't connect up with others in our situation?

      "my hope in a reunion was restored" That day may seem rather distant at times but it will come and we will be rejoicing!

      "they are helping me to become the person God envisions just as much as my three here on earth." That is so true. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't become one of the 'other people'. I really am glad to be me, despite the pain.

      Elizabeth, I am glad to call you friend too. God bless you and thank you so much for stopping and sharing.

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  3. I am a mom of eight, but three of them live in my heart and heaven. I have been struggling with their losses lately. We are coming closer to the due date of Margaret, who would be three this coming December 12th. Thanks for this wonderful blog post. We hope to make it to Mass Thursday evening in honor of the miscarried and, stillborn and neonatal deaths and their families. We will be offering prayers for all of our friends and families who have saints in heaven. God bless.

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    1. Tina Marie,

      I am very sorry to hear you have lost children as well. Because you are struggling with your losses, you know your babies are still very important to you. If we didn't love, we wouldn't grieve and hurt. I don't think we should forget and move on, but rather we should keep a special place in our hearts for those children who will be reunited with us eventually. They are important and worth our tears.

      Sorrowing for a lost child is so very difficult. Your prayers and the Mass will be appreciated very much.

      Thank you so much for sharing my post. I will pray for you, remembering you especially on Margaret's due date. God bless.

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