I’ve had one of ‘those’ weeks where I’ve felt unsettled, wondering what I should be doing. My blog has been pretty much at the bottom of my priorities as I've dealt with other stuff. It’s been so low down the list of things I could do, I’ve even been wondering if it’s at all important.
There are lots of things I enjoy doing, like blogging. But the question is: what am I SUPPOSED to be doing? What does God want of me?
A few years ago, this question was very easy to answer. I had babies and toddlers and young children and older ones, all relying on me. Every moment of the day, and even of the night, was mapped out. I just went from one duty to another, the best I could and knew I was doing God’s will. There wasn’t much time to sit down and ponder: “What should I be doing?” I was too busy doing exactly what God wanted me to do.
I look back to those years and remember the frustration I felt at times, because my life was totally out of my control. Sometimes I just wanted to say, “Stop! I’ve had enough (at least for today). Let me off. I want to do something of my own choice for a change.” Of course, I didn’t really want to change my life. It was just the constant demands of family that got to me at times.
The constant demands... fulfilling my duties. Doing God’s will was very clear in those days. I guess it was good knowing I was doing exactly what God intended me to do. Those unending hours of duty were actually a gift, though I didn't realise it at the time. I didn’t spend time wondering… like I am doing today.
Today, I have lots of free time, time I used to yearn for. But I find myself wasting it. There are so many things I could be doing. But are any of these things really important? Are they what God wants me to do? Free time seems like such a huge responsibility.
So I have been sitting here praying and reading and pondering… and really, I have yet to come up with an answer.
And now a frightening thought has entered my mind. What if my life is about to be turned upside down? What if this quiet time is just a pause in my life that I should be making the most of? For it seems to me, that surely God will want more of me that what I am offering at the moment.
So many times recently I have heard people say, “God spoke to me and I knew I had to do...” Did He shout the words out? Not likely. How did they know?
Will it be a change of circumstances that shouts out the answer loud and clear? And do I want that to happen? My heart skips a beat as I think about this. Perhaps I should just keep my head down and appreciate what I have. "I'm quite happy, Lord. Don't listen to me. I will find lots of ways of filling my time all on my own." Because when I think about it, there's lots of things I could put more time and effort into doing better.
But still I wonder...
What should I be doing?
Of course, I'm not asking for answers. I'm just pondering, and wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way.