I love body butter. I’ve loved it ever since that awful day when I looked down at my arms and discovered elephant skin. Loose wrinkly skin is so unattractive, unless you are an elephant of course, which I’m not. No. It was time for the body butter.

My children indulge my love of body butter. They buy me body butter for Christmas. They buy me body butter for my birthday. Whenever they want to treat me to a gift, they think body butter. And so that is why I got a jar of body butter for Easter instead of a chocolate egg.

I lift the lid of the body butter jar. It smells delicious. I can’t wait to dip my fingers into it and smooth it onto my arms.

“How many jars of body butter have you used up?” my husband Andy asks.

“Hundreds,” I reply. “Can’t you tell?” I flash my arms in front of his eyes. “Doesn’t my skin look smooth and young?”

“You look very well preserved,” Andy agrees.

“You won’t need embalming when you die,” observes my son Callum. “With all that butter you’ll stay beautiful for ever. You won’t decay like everyone else.”

“Then when someone digs you up and sees your well preserved body they’ll think you’re a saint,” says Imogen.

“You’ll be declared an Incorruptible,” smiles Sophie.

“Like St Bernadette,” adds Gemma-Rose. ‘They’ll put you in a glass case and people will come from miles around to see you.”

“Everyone will think you were a very holy person and all you did was use loads of body butter,” laughs Andy.

I think about this for a minute. What if my body does get dug up? What if it is well-preserved? What if the Church declares me a saint? Will my whole family just laugh loudly and tell everyone, “Mum just used lots of body butter. She’s not holy at all!”

Does it sound too preposterous to imagine me as a saint? Is body butter the only chance I have at canonisation?

“I could be a saint, a real one,” I protest. Everyone smiles. Don't they believe me?

“Perhaps I’d better stop using body butter,” I say. “Then they’ll be no confusion when everyone is trying to confirm whether I am an Incorruptible or not.”

I look at the pot of body butter. It does smell good. I bet it feels good too. It would be rather a shame not to use it.

I peer into the jar and I think... Is it really necessary to have elephant skin to become a saint? Of course not. What’s the chance of me ever being dug up? I could end up being one of those quiet unknown saints. They don’t dig everyone up. 

I hesitate no longer. I dip my fingers into the butter and smooth it onto my skin. How could I have even considered wasting my Easter gift?

Post a Comment

  1. You're too funny! But, I'm thinking - if you don't have elephant skin, how are your grandchildren going to amuse themselves tracing interesting patterns as they snuggle on your lap? You'll have boring arms like everyone else!

    Actually, I like the smell of body butter, too - especially, honey and coconut. It's yummy!

    God bless:-)
    PS. If B was for Botox, you might save some money on the body butter...

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    Replies
    1. Vicky,

      I am sure my grandchildren will find plenty of odd things about me to keep them amused!

      Honey and coconut? Yes! Coconut always reminds me of the beach. My latest pot of body butter smells of berries. Actually it smells so good it's a pity it's not edible.

      Botox... That conjures up a whole new story!

      Delete
    2. Tell me the Botox story!!! You haven't done a Joan Rivers, have you? I've heard that all that work is a real fire hazard, which can be a bit risky to those of us who buy our birthday candles in packs of fifty.

      As a special treat, I think you need to do B - Part 2, this afternoon:-)

      Delete
    3. Vicky,

      I don't actually have a botox story ready to write but my mind could go wild and come up with one if I thought about it for a while. But unfortunately time is limited. I've got to write an E story today. (I've done C and D)

      Joan Rivers... fire hazard... What are you talking about? It seems you might know more about botox than me!

      Delete
  2. For your C post, you can write one on cracking up, which is what your readers have surely done reading THIS one. I did, anyway. Maybe it's because I'm also a bigtime body-butterer, but I found this hilarious. How Sue buttered her way to sainthood. I'm Cackling. Cracking up. But I promise to be very reverent when you're Canonized.

    "...If Erma Bombeck had been written a blog....."

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    Replies
    1. Nancy,

      I think it is me who is cracking up! Going insane, maybe. Reading your comment makes me cackle! "How Sue buttered her way to sainthood." I could be the patron saint of body butterers. I'm sure that job hasn't been taken yet. It's waiting for me!

      I have to admit I had to Google Erma Bombeck. A humorist writing about suburban family life... I am intrigued and will have to find out more.

      Every writer needs a good source of material. I am fortunate I have a strange and obliging family!

      My C post? Headless chickens and a chapel roof...

      Delete
  3. Already on B!!! Nice to have found like minded folk. Please visit and become a member at http://citymusecountrymuse2012.blogspot.com/ where we are posting an original poem every day during the A-Z challenge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Juliet,

      Thank you for visiting my blog. Nice to meet you! We must be a day ahead of you in time. It's 2nd of April here.. time for B posts!

      I enjoyed your poem. I'll hop over tomorrow to read your next one.

      Delete
  4. This post was hilarious, Sue! If you really are canonized I'm not going to be able to ask for your intercession without giggling a bit ;) You'll forgive me I hope!

    Those body butters DO smell delicious!

    Happy Easter, Sue!

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    Replies
    1. Mary,

      I guess I am going to die 'young' if you are going to be alive to ask for my intercession! I'd better hurry up and use more body butter or maybe practice the virtues. Time may be running out. Giggle all you want! I had a worrying thought earlier... What if no one thinks my story is funny? But then I remembered you. You are always kind enough to laugh at my attempts at humour. Thank you!

      Delete
    2. Or I could live to 110 :) You really thought people might not think it was funny? It was VERY funny! Nancy's comment cracked me up too!

      Delete
    3. Mary,

      You always make me feel good with your encouraging comments. Thank you! I think Nancy's comments are funnier than my stories!

      Delete
  5. Oh, for C you could use canonized and write about what happened after they exhumed you.

    Kidding ;)

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    Replies
    1. Mary,

      I like your idea! I can't use it for C because I've already written about headless chooks but I am going to remember it. All kinds of images are coming to mind!

      Delete
  6. Sue, I can't help it. I have to pop back in to say that I hope you find some Erma Bombeck things sometime. Your writing has reminded me of hers numerous times!!! This post is a good example, actually. I continue giggling at Andy's kind remark that 'You look very well preserved.' :) You have such a lovely gift for humor as well as writing in general. You're a HUGE day brightener, and you may as well know it......

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    Replies
    1. Nancy,

      Guess what? I found an Erma Bombeck book on Kindle!! I will buy and download it later and enjoy, I'm sure! Better write another blog post before I do that though. Oh yes! I seem to have forgotten about those children I'm supposed to be homeschooling. Just as well they're used to teaching themselves. I'm too busy blogging. Oh no! That sounds terrible. Typical unschooler, I hear everyone saying. I think my U post will be a defence of unschooling and why we're not lazy or irresponsible!

      Actually, the girls are busy writing too. Three are writing novels, and three are doing the blog post challenge and two are doing both. So how many daughters do I have? (Not counting the one that's left home?) As I am now thoroughly confused, I think I will have to say goodbye and go drink some coffee.

      Chatting with you is my huge day brightener!

      God bless!

      Delete
  7. You my friend, will be a saint whether your skin is smooth or not! Your family has a wonderful sense of humor! Enjoy your body butter. I'm not familiar with it myself but it sounds wonderful. I love Bath and Body Works products myself. However, my favorite scents have been retired. I did find one online and bought the body spray. It's a summer scent and I love it. Called Butterfly Flower. So fragrant and pretty!

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    Replies
    1. Noreen,

      Body Butter is just any very thick moisturiser or body lotion. You probably haven't heard about it because you're not as old and wrinkly as me!

      Butterfly Flower... that sounds so delicate and fresh! It's been a while since I bought any perfume. I used to love Anais Anais. I wonder if that is still available. I have a vanilla scent that Felicity gave me which I also like. Now I am thinking about perfume. I think I'll go and find out if I can still buy some Anais Anais!

      Thank you for stopping by and reading my B post!

      Delete
    2. How funny! I used to love Anais Anais too! Now, I want to check and see if they're still making it too! The Butterfly Flower is just lovely. I also have it in the shower gel and body lotion. It's a delightful scent!

      Delete
    3. Noreen,

      You can still buy Anais Anais! Apparently it was created in 1978 and it must still be going strong. Now I know what I can ask for as my birthday present... as well as some more body butter! I'll watch out for Butterfly Flower too.

      Delete
  8. Yeah, you definitely don't want it going around that you're incorruptible. You work hard for a bad reputation, and it only takes one rumour like that to destroy it all ;D

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    Replies
    1. Hi Kellie,

      No danger of anyone believing I'm incorruptible! Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  9. Cute! This post made me giggle! I love body butter too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lots of body butter girls! I like giggling. Thanks for visiting my blog and reading my little story!

      Delete
  10. Saint Elvis, that's different, great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maggie,

      Well, we haven't had a St Elvis before. Maybe there's a chance for me and my body butter! Thank you so much for stopping by and saying hello.

      Delete
  11. Sue this is hilarious. Hilarious, I tell you. Blessed are they who use body butter...

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    1. Anabelle,

      "Blessed are they who use body butter..." I'm giggling again! I must be very blessed. Well, I am even without the help of body butter. Thanks for laughing!

      Delete
  12. Body butter is lovely. It should be used liberally and often. And let others keep buying it so you'll have a big supply. *big grin*

    I always tell Mark that if our neighbors pool was filled with it, I could swim in it so I would stay soft and non wrinkly. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susan,

      I will certainly accept any offerings of body butter my family feel compelled to buy me. Actually, I have a small stash of jars hidden away. We can never have too much body butter!

      Swimming in body butter? There must be similar products that you can add to bath water. I must investigate!

      I have a big grin too!

      Delete
  13. That's hilarious Sue! I love your train of thought! :-)

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    Replies
    1. Monica,

      How lovely to see you on my blog! Thank you for visiting and sharing my story. Train of thought... I am always amazed at where my stories end up. Sometimes a thought leaps from person to person and ends up in a very silly story.

      God bless!

      Delete
  14. Sue...how do you manage to be consistently hysterical? And we have headless chickens coming up? I can hardly wait. I absolutely agree with Nancy that you are the next Erma Bombeck in waiting. She was beloved, and you are a candidate for Sainthood. You are definitely qualified to continue her legacy. Seriously, you write posts which could easily be syndicated columns, because they have such a universal appeal. (maybe you can use "syndicated" when you get to "s"..if you haven't already reserved s for sainthood.)

    You truly have a gift, and you just might be a dual patron Saint...of body butterers and writers :) Love you...silly gal! xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Patricia,

      Consistently hysterical? I seriously think there's something wrong with me. My mind must be going! Where do all these crazy thoughts come from?

      I just remembered I didn't download Erma's book yesterday. That will be today's treat... after I have written another blog post! I am about to publish my C post. Despite the intriguing image of headless chickens it isn't a funny story. Quite sad actually. But tomorrow's post... I giggled but will anyone else?

      Patricia, thank you for your kind words. You are right: I am silly! xx



      Delete
  15. Try #2 - Great post - I really enjoyed it! "You look well preserved" was my favorite line!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nina,

      If I can't look young, well-preserved will have to do! Thank you for reading my post and stopping to say hello. It's appreciated!

      Delete

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