I’ve had times when I’ve just wanted to retreat back to my smaller offline world and forget about blogging. And then just as quickly, I’ve had an idea for a post, written it and then felt excited again.
Up and down. Up and down. It’s not a very peaceful state to be in.
Sometimes I cry out, “What am I supposed to be doing?”
I’ve asked my children: “You like writing, Mum. Don’t give up.”
I’d ask my husband, Andy, but I know he'd encourage me to do what I want, whatever I enjoy.
But what do I want to do?
Sometimes I wonder if an unsettled feeling means God is telling me this phase of my life is over. He has different things for me to do. If only I'd move on, those new things will present themselves. If I stop writing and spend some time waiting and listening, I might hear my new instructions.
Then again, I wonder if those unsettled feelings are a nudge from the devil rather than God. If they were, I would then have to conclude the devil doesn’t want me to blog because blogging results in good. But whenever I think this, I am led back to the thought that perhaps I’m not actually doing anything worthy of the devil’s attention. But, of course, that would be what he wants me to think, wouldn't it?
These thoughts go around and around my mind. And it’s tiring. I sometimes yearn for my baby and toddler days when, although I often felt exhausted, I knew exactly what God wanted me to do.
Yesterday we arrived at Mass earlier than normal because my daughter Imogen was the cantor and she had to practise singing the psalm with the musical director before Mass began. So I had plenty of time to kneel in front of the altar and chat a little with God.
“What do you want me to do?” I cried as usual.
As I gazed up at the stained glass window above the altar, I wondered why this question feels like such a big deal. I’m healthy and have a happy and blessed life with my family. Why should I feel so churned up inside by such a small thing as whether I should blog or not. It’s not like I’m trying to make a huge life-changing decision. Just be grateful for what you have and buck up, I told myself.
Mass was celebrated. We returned home and someone remarked on how cold it was. I turned on the heater. Andy made coffee. One of the girls toasted some raisin bread. And we settled in the family room to enjoy our morning snack.
“What are you going to do today, Mum? my daughter Sophie asked.
And all of a sudden, I felt excited. “I’m going to write a post for the new blog I’ve been thinking about. How about you make me a blog header?”
So Sophie happily started blog header designing while I spilled some words onto the computer screen. They flowed out easily and minutes later, I had a post.
I’m still feeling excited. Why? I don't really know.
Up and down. Up and down. Up, up, up. I hope I don't return with a thump.
So that's where I'm at. This is where I am.
I'm here in my brand new space where I can write anything I like about my life, my Catholic life. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be writing about. It's all a bit of an adventure. Everyday life? Whatever thoughts happen to come to mind? Or might that be too rambling? What do you think?
Do you ever find yourself wondering what you should be doing? Or where you are supposed to be?
Image: I wonder if you're wondering what a praying mantis has to do with all this!
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