Blogging from A - Z about clothes...

I remember what I was wearing when I saw my son Thomas for the first time…

… a pair of navy blue leggings and a matching blue and brown striped maternity dress. The two halves of my outfit parted nicely and modestly for the ultrasound. A dollop of gel was squished onto my skin. It felt deliciously warm. A probe circled through it and the technician said, “Look! There’s your baby!”

I remember what I was wearing at the moment of Thomas’ birth…

… an ordinary white hospital gown with three ineffective fabric ties at the back.  Regulation issue, one size fits all, worn by a hundred others. A hundred stories; one gown. A plastic bracelet encircled my wrist: a name, a number.

I remember what I was wearing on the second morning of Thomas' life.

… blue pyjamas. A nurse appeared at my bedside at 6 in the morning. “Come,” she whispered. So I swung my legs over the side of my hospital bed and slid to the floor. I crept past the sleeping mothers and their babies and followed her to the NICU.

I remember what I was wearing later that day…

… a pair of tartan maternity leggings teamed with an oversized navy blue T shirt. I showered, I dressed and then dried my hair. I barely looked into the mirror.

I remember what Thomas was wearing when he died…

… a nappy and a blanket. I held him within my arms, on my tartan lap.

I remember what I was wearing when Thomas was laid into the ground…

… a navy blue dress covered with tiny white polka dots, not a maternity one, not a dress that Thomas and I had shared. The sun disappeared behind a cloud as his coffin was lowered. Goosebumps appeared on my arms and I shivered. I didn't have a jacket.

I remember what I was wearing on Thomas’ first birthday…

… a T shirt and skirt that was getting a little too tight. I stood at the side of Thomas’ grave. I cried. I smiled.

Navy blue leggings, striped maternity dress, sterile hospital gown, blue pyjamas, tartan leggings, over-sized T shirt, polka dot dress, a skirt that was a little too tight... and over the top of everything... an invisible mantle of Love.

I remember...

Can you remember what you were wearing on a significant day of your life?

Post a Comment

  1. I am so sorry for yoru loss with Thomas; I am sure you will remember always what you wore, more importantly you will remember always the brief time he was alive here on earth and the memories you have of him. Very powerful post of memories. Actually I don't remember what I wore on key dates, I just remember the dates themselves, like this particular day this happened, even 10 years later; key events not just birthdays, but other sad things we've gone through.

    (on a different note, thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog, "A Bench with a View" and that you have enjoyed reading about where we walk Koda. Good luck with getting your dog on Friday; what an adventure it will be! Maybe you can share the specifics sometime on a blog post down the line)


    1. Betty,

      Thank you for your kind words. You are quite right: I will always remember that short time we had with Thomas. It is very clear even though time is passing.

      Like you, I have forgotten what I wore on many important days. I guess the clothes I do remember are tied up with my emotions. I hated that hospital gown and also the dress I wore at the funeral. I always wondered if anyone else had worn such strange tartan leggings on a day their baby died. Of course we remember our wedding dresses. Maybe on other sad occasions our clothes are irrelevant and so we don't remember them.

      It was a real pleasure visiting your blog. From reading your posts, I could see how much you love your beautiful Koda. I hope our dog becomes such an integral part of our family. My girls are so excited. This will be their first dog. I hope our three cats are just as excited. I suspect they are not going to be impressed! I am sure I will write about our doggy adventure when it happens. Thank you so much for visiting my blog!

  2. Hi Sue, I've downloaded your e-book and I plan to read it to guide me through in dealing with an impending monumental loss of a dear person. It should be a perfect read for the coming long weekend.

    Thank you for the sharing your experience and the strength you gained and getting through this.

    I do remember the clothes I wore on significant moments in my life, sadly... perspective change and some clothes you consider being significant or associating with good faith and good luck, suddenly loses its meaning.

    Thanks again for the visit to my page. I hope you're having a nice week :)

    1. Maria,

      I am so sorry to hear you are facing the loss of someone very dear to you. I don't think it matters if our grief situations are different, we can still understand each other and share feelings. Thank you for downloading my book. I keep meaning to update it. I have rewritten a few of the stories and there are many others I would like to add. But it is still Thomas' book. One day I will get around to making it into a Kindle book. I have a grief blog where I have collected together all my grief stories, if you are interested:

      It is always a pleasure to visit your blog. I keep thinking about a huge box of postcards I collected years ago but threw away in a fit of decluttering. I wish I'd kept them. Oh well, I can enjoy yours instead!

  3. Sue, I'm sorry for your sadness. The Baby Sister died before she was two. It wasn't until I was 18 that a lot of the Mama's sadness lifted, and even then. Thank you for sharing your memory with us, readers.

    1. Su-sieee! Mac,

      Oh I am so sorry to hear about your baby sister. How heart breaking for your mother. We never forget our lost children, even if the pain becomes easier to live with. I wonder if your sister remained part of your family. My children talk about their brother a lot. He's not here but he is definitely part of our family. Of course Thomas is very much part of my blog. He features in so many of my stories! Thank you so much for reading this one.

      PS: Do you like to be known by your profile name or perhaps Su or Susie? I think I read on your other blog your full name is Susan. Mine is too!

    2. Yes, the Baby Sister is still part of the family. Once a year, the Mama and I lay flowers on her, the Older Baby Sister's, and the Daddy's graves. Something very peaceful and satisfying about doing it together.

      I go by Susie, Sue, or Susan, depending on who is talking to me and that's according to what era we first bonded. Because the Husband loves the name "Susie," and we're living with the Mama in my hometown, I've been answering to Susie for the past decade. :-)

    3. Susie,

      I like that version of your name! You have lost two sisters? Yes, there is great comfort in performing annual traditions in honour of our loved ones. Thank you so much for returning and answering my question!

  4. I can hardly remember what I ate for dinner the previous night some days...

    1. Oh I am the same! Once a day has passed, I forget so many of its details. That's why it surprises me that certain things, like what I wore on a particular day, remain so vivid in my memory.

      Thank you so much for visiting my blog!


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